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Sweet Angel Cry No Tears For Me As I Do For You
I've been surfing diaryland all day. Leaving notes to people who's banners I click or whos diaries I found via the members area.
Something so simple yet it made me think of something. It made me think of friends and what they really mean and just how important they really are no matter how old you are.
A true friendship is something to cheerish and love forever. Some friendships are meant to last for your whole life. Some are not. But no matter how long they last they will impact you more then you might realize.
I've lost so many friends through the years of my life. I have been betrayed and hurt by the ones I loved most and cherished with all my heart. Yet they taught me lessons I would never have learned without them.
I have few friends now. Only one that is local the rest are long distance or online friends. People wonder how I can be friends with people via the net or who don't live near me. I've wondered this myself. I guess its part luck and part work on both parties.
I've been wanting to meet people near me to be friends with but the truth is I don't need friends who live in the same town as me. I have been blessed with more friendships then a lot of people have. I need to tell them how much I care for them and start to cherish them and not take them for granted.
Though we may only speak once a week or even once a month the connection we feel is still strong. I have only two true friends.
My best friend lives in England and I miss him dearly and more than anybody can ever know. My heart mourns to see him again.
Oh what I'd give to hear his voice again. To have him hug me once more. To be able to call him and say "Hi, how are you? I'm bored...No I didn't really call for anything important I just wanted to talk though I have no clue what to talk about." I miss fighting with him. I miss making up. I miss every single thing about him even those things that annoyed me so long ago. If only I could have known this when he lived here. I would have loved him even more.
When I needed him the most he was there for me even though I did not always reach out to him he was there. I never trully realized that until now.
If I could see him again I would truly do anything. I have this horrible feeling that I may never see him again. I may never hear his voice again. I don't know why but this feeling grows stronger with each day.
My darling Angel I can email you but I'll never be able to put into the email my true emotions. I can not hug you with an email. I can not tell you I Love You and let you hear in my voice just how much I mean it.
Though ours is a love the poets and great writers shall never write about its a love that shall remain forever to me. Our friendship means more to me then you will ever know. I hate England for taking you away from me. I hate myself for not being able to tell you how much I cared for you before you moved. I was so mad at you for not letting me telling you goodbye. I wasn't invited to your farewell party and that hurt me more deeply then you will ever know.
But the hands of time will never move backwards for us. And I will never be able to fix this.
Others will read this and think I am talking to you as if I loved you in a romantic sense of the term. But in truth our love has surpassed that. We could never be romantically linked and not just because of the obvious reasons. But because our friendship truly does mean too much to me.
I can't help but think...What if I die before I can tell you this. What if I die before seeing or hearing your voice again.
Perhaps you will never understand this. Maybe nobody else will. If this were a letter know the pages would be stained with my tears as my keyboard is now.
Maybe its best this way. Not hearing your voice or being able to see you once more. Because it would never be enough. You would still live in England and my life would still be here. I know we talked of my moving to England but just as your heart truly belongs there so mine belongs in the States.
So I guess this will be all we can ever have. It will have to be enough and I'll have to accept that.
I wish I could have let you in when you were here. I wish I could have let you know how much pain I was in all those years ago. I surfered in silence and hated you for not seeing through my mask. I was childish and stupid to blame you when in truth I hated myself for not being brave enough to let you or anybody else in. I've never been brave. I've always been the one to surfer in silence and to keep my pain hidden to the world with a smile upon my face and a gleam in my eyes secretly caused by the tears I would not allow to cross that barrier.
So to you Angel and all others that may read this I beg of you. Hug your friends and truly look into their eyes and tell them how much they mean to you. Because there may be a day when they are taken from you and you will never see them again. Take advantage of the time you have together now don't put it off any longer. Please don't make my mistake.
I only wish I could be there with you my Angel to see you do the great things I know you will to see you help this world and to make it a better place for all to live in.
For I'll be in your heart always. Even if you forget I'm there.
Old Tears + New Fears = Lolita
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