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I thought I would update early this morning becaue today is an important day. Thanks to Fallenorra who's diary I found sufring the Member's Area I now know that today is Self Injury Awareness Day. This to me means a lot. I used to injury myself.  Made by me.  Made by Me.  Made By Me  Found Here  Found here  Found here  Found here  Found here Okay so there you have it some images to PLEASE put on your sites to make people aware. It is also Eating Disorder Awarness Week. I sufer from anorexia so this too is important to me. So before I go into my two in one entry on these two topics I found some pics for this as well.  Made By Me  Made By Me  Found Here  Found Here Self InjurySelf Injury isn't just cutting. There are many forms of it. The most popular are cutting and burning yourself. Self Injury is something you do on purpose to yourself. There are many reasons that people chose to cut/burn. I used to cut. Instead of telling you facts about self injury and trying to make myself sound like an expert when the truth is nobody knows everything about it. Even if you've been through it you can't identify with everybody who does it. I had an old dull knife that I used to use. Cutting was a way to relieve myself from the pain that kept building up inside and I didn't know how to express it to others. I was afraid of what hey would think or that they would tell it to others and it would get around school or to my family. So I kept it hiden. I didn't have an online diary then or even a hand writen journal. I didn't think my friends would understand what I was going through. I didn't know what to do or where to go. I was confussed, scared, hurt, and angry. All of this kept building up until I couldn't stand it. It was at these times I would take my knife from my hiden spot and carve into my skin. I would do simple slashes on my arms and upper leg or I'd carve actual words into my skin. I was careful where I put the cuts so nobody would see. I didn't want anybdoy to find out. It lasted about 2 years before it finally got out of hand. I guess it was out of hand for me to have started in the first place but that is a debate non can rightfully answer. I tried to cut my wrists and kill myself finally. I couldn't take all the hurt and anger built up inside. I wanted to escape it all. I thought it would make it all better. I thought it would make my family happier if I was gone. Needless to say it didn't work as I am still here writing this. I was about 11 or 12 at the time. I woke up the next morning having passed out from pain killers that I took ontop of the cutting of my wrists. I cut them as you suppose to, vertically, but it didn't work. Maybe I didn't cut deep enough. Maybe somebody out there didn't want me to die yet so they let me live. I woke up and cleaned the blood off and bandaged myself. I wore long sleeve t-shirts and sweaters until they heeled. Luckily it was winter time so I could pull it off. I was at lunch sitting with a few of my friends when I forgot about my wrists and rolled my sleeves up because I was hot. My friends noticed the cuts but quickly looked away not saying anything. I rolled down my sleeves and quickly left the room. If they mentioned it to each other I don't know. We never talked about it. After that I stoped cutting. I soon discovered other ways of getting out my feelings and dealing with them. I still surfered in silence and I still fight urges to this day. I wake up every morning having to make the choice not to cut and I go to bed everynight knowing I'llk have to do the same thing the next day. When people find out about this they judge me and don't understand why I would ever do such a think. I don't ask that you understand why I did it. I just ask you don't blame me and make me to be something I'm not. Don't send me hate notes/mail. Its honestly not worth your time I promise. That is my story. There are so many stories out there. They say 1% of the population self injures but I think that data is wrong since most won't admit to it and never will. Still 1% is a lot if you think about it. Your best friend could self injure or could have before and you may never know it. Eating Disorders are also self injury since it does harm to yourself. I have been an anorexic for the past 11 years. I am now 18 you do the math. Again I won't tell you the facts as there are so many reasons for having an eating disorder. Anorexia isn't the only one. Bulimia is another form but I couldn't make myself throw up so I just starved myself. A lot of people have the wrong idea about Anorexia even if they sufer from it. One you NEVER get over it. Even if you start eating normally. Once you start you will forever have the disorder. It is just a matter of making that choice every day and taking it a step at a time. Two, most people think if you have Anorexia you don't eat at all. The truth is you may go a day or so without eating but most will eat only small salads of just lettece or crackers once a day. I would allow myself to have a package of crackers once a day. And by package I mean those little packs you get at buffets that have two little crackers in them. Or I would simply not eat anything. If I did break down and eat something real. I would exercise for hours trying to burn it off. I wouldn't stop exercising until I collapased from exhaust. If anybody noticed they never said anything. My parents didn't because I took my meals in my room and would feed it to the dog. Or if I had to sit at the table an eat with them I would go straight to my room and exercise until I fainted or collapased. What I did was EXTREMELY dangerous. It is amazing I am here now. I don't know what made me stop. I broke down one night and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up I decided no more. I stopped when I was 14 years old. But as I said you never get over it. I suppose if I was in anerixia annoyomous I would have my 4yr chip. I didn't talk to my friends about it until well after the fact. Actually the only one that really knows is Angel. He just let me tell him and didn't really have a reply. I guess thats what I liked. He knew at the time I didn't need to be lectured or questioned about it overly. So He just took it and said okay and that was that. Now I can openly talk about it. Over the years I have come to realize why I did it. I am dealing with that and trying not to blame myself or others for it. Every now and then I will find myself not eating like I should. Like yesterday I didn't eat until I nearly fainted. Which might have brought on the dizzyness. I did eat though. A good meal. If you look at my pictures you will probably think that I couldn't have Anorexia but that isn't true. See once you stop starving yourself and start eating regularly you gain weight quickly. So while I try to loose this weight I am always having to watch myself to make sure I don't over exercise or start starving myself again. Its hard. I don't have any close friends who've been through this. I have since then taken the time to let others out there who have gone through this that I am here should they need to talk. I won't lecture them or tell them to stop. That they have to do on their own. I am here to support them. I can't make them stop. I know this and before you can begin to help somebody how surfers with any kind of disorder like this you have to know you can NOT make them stop. Rather you are a friend, parent, or teacher. It will have to be up to them. You can be there for them and talk to them about it and try to get them help but if they don't want it don't force it on them. It will only push them away. I also would like to suggest to parents that they talk to their children about it. Its as important as talking to them about sex, drugs, and staying away from strangers. If you did the math above then you now know I started starving myself when I was 7 years old. You may find it hard to believe but I promise it is the truth. So the next time you look at your innocent baby thing about that. I don't want to sound as if I'm trying to tell parents how to do their jobs. I'm not. I'm just suggesting they talk with their kids. In my opinion if they are old enough to understand sex they are old enough to understand this. I do not recommend Self Injury or Eating Disordrs to anybody. If your tempted or if you do self injure or have an eating disorder and want somebody to talk to about it I'm here. I won't judge you because I'm not in your shoes. You can explain it to me till the sun burns out and I will never 100% understand. But I can come close to that and I can be here for you. So feel free to IM, Email, Or leave me a note. Also if you do take an image I have here or just tell about it on your diary. Please let me know I'd like to read it. Well I guess thats it. I'm still not feeling really great and the dizzyness and shaking has returned so I need to take a break from typing. Please pardon any errors you find. I tried my best to type this while shaking so typos may be in this entry. Thank you. I'll try and read over this and correct it but I may not be able to since the dizzyness is getting worse. Old Tears + New Fears = Lolita
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