I find myself sitting in the dark watching "Sex in the City". I can't believe my life has come to this. I have no job, I'm not in school and I have just broken up with Joe. I have spent all day sleeping and the few moments I find myself awake I am thinking about nothing in particular.

So now as I am sitting here in the dark watching Carrie try and find something to write about for her column and I can't help but wonder what am I doing here?

A girl from my graduation class was killed a few months ago. She was hit by a drunk driver. Actually she was the fifth person in my class to die by a drunk driver. This scares me. All these people that were killed were top of their class, they had great boyfriends and jobs and were on their way to a fabulous colleges and were really living life. Hos is it death chose them? Why am I still here. I am nothing compared to these people. I wasn't the top of my class. I was popular, I'm shy and scared to death of stepping out on my own. So why are they dead and I'm alive. I don't get it. I honestly don't. Why would death take them and leave me?

I used to beg for death. I've tried killing myself before and yet here I still am. I've been anerixic and manic depressive most of my life. I've hidden myself from the people I cared about. I have said goodbye to almost everybody I've loved. Watching all my friends go off and live their dreams. What happens if I get a call or pick up the paper to find that another one of my class-mates has died? When do I get the picture? I am here for a reason. I don't know what the reason is but I'll never find out just sitting here.

Maybe its time to take a chance. Step out there find out why death has let me survive over and over again when I'm a looser and those other girls were great people with bright futures and all the world to have.

They were gorgous, fun, smart, creative, nice, and generally great people. So why Death did you take them and leave me? What have I to offer this world? I have all these ideas and dreams sure but thats all they are. I'm a dreamer. I don't act on those dreams. I talk about them and dream about acting on them but it never works out.

So I have decided it is time to stop dreaming and to step into reality. I've let everything I could stand in my way. But now it is time to conqour my fears and step out into this scary woman eating world.

I will get over my fear of driving and get behind that wheel and teach myself how to drive again. I will take the ACT by myself and study for it alone. I will apply to four colleges and put all my hopes into getting into at least one of them. I will step onto that campus and figure out how to not get lost on my own. I shall realize my dream career and go for it. I will be a social worker and a damn good one. I will help children get better lives and do everything I can to keep them from getting lost in the system. It is time to stop being Rebeka. Its time to be Lolita, the dream me. It is time to remake myself and to really try. I'm scared and I'm not ready but I will do it.

To celebrate to remaking of me I am remaking this diary. No more letters. The letters was just an idea. An idea to make me different. But I don't want to be different anymore. I want to be normal. I want to have a normal job and a normal college life. So I give this diary a new template and to myself I give new hope.

Old Tears + New Fears = Lolita