I was feeling kinda low a little while ago. Really missing my best friend and wishing I could talk to him and hear his voice. Then Joe IMed and made it all ten times WORSE! Here is the convo we had. Screenames have been changed to protect the Innocent and the JackAsses.
[23:29] Joe: Lacy told me you wanted her to interpret a dream for you last night. Learn anything exciting from it?
[23:29] Lolita: not really
[23:30] Lolita: is lacy going to be on tonight? i needed to ask her about when she thinks she'll be able to buy the dvd
[23:30] Joe: That's too bad.
[23:30] Joe: No. I've been booted off my computer two nights in a row -- I'm hogging it. Besides, I think she's in bed.
[23:31] Lolita: oh ok
[23:31] Lolita: why do u say that
[23:32] Joe: Why do I say what? She's in bed? I'm hogging it? lol I don't know which bit you mean.
[23:33] Lolita: "that's too bad"
[23:34] Joe: Just seems a shame to go through the trouble of getting a dream deciphered and not learn anything.
[23:34] Lolita: did she tell u anything about it
[23:35] Lolita: im surprised she said anything at all since i told her it was private
[23:41] Joe: She didn't tell me anything about it, now. She mentioned it to me right after you asked, probably before you told her it was private.
[23:41] Joe: I asked her to tell me -- she told me no, it was private and all that.
[23:41] Lolita: ok
[23:42] Joe: We actually argued over it. Took some frustration out on her, but we made up, so it's all cool.
[23:42] Lolita: why would you argue over that
[23:43] Lolita: you have no right to know something like that especially from anybody but me.
[23:43] Joe: I'd get into it, but you'd probably just get angry.
[23:44] Lolita: ya cuz you do NOT have a right to know anything about my personal life
[23:44] Joe: Fine. Fuck you.
[23:44] Lolita: if I choose to confide in her u should respect that instead of trying to get into my business through her
[23:49] Joe: If I've got no right to know anything about your personal life, there's really no point in you even pretending to call me a friend. I was willing to give that a try. I thought, "Why not. I care too much for her to just stop talking to her." Man, was I an idiot. You want a good reason to tell people we broke up? Tell them I'm a fuckin' jerk. I've got no respect or regard for other people's feelings.
[23:49] Joe: Make me look brutal. It's better than this pretending like things will just be peachy.
[23:51] Lolita: you fucking know I did NOT mean it like that...you twist evrything I say around to mean something its not and make you the victim you are just pissed because you know its right. You should have known that would have pissed me off so maybe you were looking for a fight. I don't know and I'm sick and tired of trying to guess and walking fucking eggshells around you.
[23:51] Joe: All you talk to me about is personal PC problems, looking for laptops . . . really impersonal junk. But you come to my sister, someone you barely know, you've met less than a handful of times, and ask her to start telling you what your dreams mean? It's insulting that you can't even talk to me about it, never mind ask my opinion, but you can go to my sister.
[23:52] Joe: Oh, and I'm not trying to twist anything you said – you said what you did (and I managed to accidently close the stupid window after your last message, so I don't even know what it said.)
[23:52] Lolita: because I knew youd get fucking upset about what I dreamt about even if it didn't mean a damn thing.
[23:52] Joe: I don't want someone walking on eggshells around me, I'm tired of that. I want brutal honesty.
[23:52] Lolita: I also know she knows a little about figuring dreams out and shes the only one I know that does
[23:53] Lolita: fine you want brutal honesty?
[23:53] Lolita: are you sure that's what you want?
[23:53] Joe: It's a dream. Dreams don't upset me, I have plenty of my own that would upset me if such a thing were possible. I don't exactly read a whole lot into dreams, like Lacy.
[23:54] Joe: It's better than being lied to. Got plenty of that with my last ex, who said, "Hey, let's be friends . . . even though I hate your fuckin' guts.
[23:54] Lolita: Fine you want honesty here it is
[23:57] Lolita: ive had non stop dreams about having sex with other girls for the past week. I didn't talk to you about it because I thought it would upset you seeing how one of your exes left you for another girl so I didn't want you reading into it what isn't there...two you can be a real JACKASS!! I mean it! I mean I spent our entire relationship trying to make you feel better about yourself, me, and our fucking relationship. All you did was complain and yes I did my share of complaining but you know what I stood up and said hey this isn't going to work between us with me needing to grow up and figure my life out at the moment. So ya I cried for a whole day after breaking up with you but now i honestly think you were a waste of my tears! The reason why I talk about impersonal stuff is because I thought it would be better to give us time to figure this friendship thing out so I didn't lead you on and hurt you even more.
[23:59] Lolita: You KNOW I value my privacy very highly and for you to try and use your sister to envade it and then hint around at me and try and get me to tell you about it and then throw it in my face that you argued over it as if trying to make me feel guilty or to see how I would react to it is BULLSHIT!! Pure and simple BULLSHIT!!
[00:00] Lolita: I'm sick and tired of you playing all these mind games and don't go claiming you don't because you sure as hell do mister. Rather you realize it or not I don't know only you know that but you need to take a step back and figure it out for yourself
[00:00] Joe: Well, nothing there surprises me or shocks me, except the "waste of tears" bit. That's a shot in the chest. I complained a lot, it's what I do. So chances are, every girl I like is going to leave me because I complain. I can deal with that. I'm glad you finally told me.

Oh, and the girl dreams -- doesn't bother me. I told you while we were still dating that the whole ‘ex possibly sleeping with another woman' thing was water under the bridge, it's a scar now, not a wound.
[00:02] Joe: I was upset, I've been upset since you left me. If you must know, the argument wasn't even really over her not telling me, it was over her helping you in the first place. It irritated me that you would go to her and cut me out, it hurt.
[00:02] Joe: Plain and simple, it hurt. I argued with her about it, and finally it came down to, "Do you want me to not talk to her anymore?" I told her, "No, go ahead. She probably needs the help." I asked her once what was up, she told me she couldn't tell me, and I got upset. I didn't badger her to invade your privacy.
[00:03] Lolita: Well pardon the hell out of me for trying to concider your feeligns a tiny bit I mean somebody tries to not hurt you and you get pissed at them. I think you actually want people to hurt you. What you like being miserable? Fine but you can be miserable alone because I am done with you until you can figure out what the hell is wrong with you and start fixing it. I'm tired of trying to help you when you won't fucking help yourself! I didn't know how you would react that's why I told your sister. I didn't want to upset you plus it would be strange talking to my EX about sex dreams. But no you don't stop to think about the possibilities do you because you never stop to think and that's just one of your problems!
[00:03] Joe: I don't play mind games - I am who I am, my personality is shaped just like anyone else's. If I do, I'm sorry. It isn't something anyone's ever brought to my attention. Now I can go work on another problem - complaining, mind games . . . I'm just a general Mister Asshole. And here you kept telling me it was nothing like that.
[00:05] Joe: No, I don't like being miserable. You didn't even think of considering asking me if it'd be an okay topic. You just assume it's going to tear my world apart. I appreciate the thought, I really do. But now you're just getting too angry to even realize that I'm just as agitated by all of this as you, and confused too.
[00:06] Lolita: I didn't break up with you because of this I honest to gods broke up with you because of ME that's right ME not you so get over it for gods sake. You want my life to revolve around you...and that isn't going to happen even if we did get back together I have to have a part of my life that's mine just mine. I didn't want to ask you because my sex dreams are MY business if I asked you itd give it away wouldn't it now? This is just you being pissed because I want to be friends with your sister and tell her stuff that I don't tell you.
[00:07] Lolita: I'm ending this with a few words of advise I'm getting too pissed to continue this so before I say something that will really hurt you I'm leaving. so here's the advise GET OVER IT AND YOURSELF!!
So there ya have it. Instead of me explaining it and telling you just my side you get both sides. I signed off of aol/aim after that last IM. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm shaking and wanting to cry. I need a drink...No not as in vodka kind of drink just a drink my mouth is all dry. Gods I wish he was here. Why does the only one who understands me have to be half way across the world? I found my prince charming but he turned out to be gay which I can deal with and then he moved all the way to England! I hate England...you bastards stole him from me! Damnit now I'm crying. I don't want to cry! Why am I crying. Today started out as such a good day....

Old Tears + New Fears = Lolita